Download 5,000 Great One Liners by Grant Tucker PDF

By Grant Tucker

Whether advised within the rugby golf equipment of Wales or the gentlemen's golf equipment of London, their sharpness and straightforwardness unites us all. brief, candy and wickedly shrewdpermanent, they carry a distinct position within the annals of comedy, and because the upward thrust of Twitter heralds a resurrection of the artwork shape, there turns out no greater time to rejoice the immortal one-liner. during this booklet, supply Tucker does simply that, bringing jointly 5,000 of the funniest one-liners ever advised in a single definitive quantity. Laugh-out-loud humorous, 5,000 nice One-Liners has the entire quips, zingers, puns and wisecracks you will ever desire – and an entire lot extra.

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Example text

I need to make a pencil drawing of Shakespeare for my art exam. 2B or not 2B? ’ Let me guess, he was on the ground floor, right? I’ve just seen a kidnapping outside my house. So I threw water over him – that woke the little fucker up. ’ What a brave little insect, taking on all those big cats single-handedly. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you just don’t know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor… A golfer came home in a bad mood. ’ A reporter interviewed a millionaire and asked what he was before getting married.

A librarian walks into a bar and asks for a book on irony. ’ Three words: beach holiday albums. Just saw the 3D screening of Harry Potter. The cinema was completely full of nerds in those Harry Potter glasses. If women are so obsessed with big cocks, why are they so happy when they make a smaller tampon? ’ What? Where the hell did he buy that from? Two men walk into a bar, and the third one ducks. Junk: something you keep for years and throw away two weeks before you need it. The best measure of someone’s honesty is the zero adjust on their bathroom scales.

In my defence, I didn’t have any condoms on me. Dear Cash for Gold, Here is a ring. Please save me from myself. Yours gratefully, Frodo Baggins. My friends say I’m too easy to please. I was delighted when they told me. I just read a list of ‘100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them. ’ Funny guy. In a cave I found pictures of women’s breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me. Damn booby trap. I get nervous whenever people talk about sex, so I always change the topic of conversation to maths.

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